Confessions of a dangerous mind

Those of you NOT in my Facebook friends (and if you’re not, why aren’t you?) are probably not aware that I have a kitten. I think I’ve mentioned her in passing once, but I haven’t really talked about the whole “I haz a cat now!” thing for a variety of reasons, namely that I think there are enough stereotypes out there about women who knit: throw in that you knit AND you’ve got a cat (or – gasp! – cats) and things can get out of hand in a hurry.

So yeah, we have a kitten. I found her and her brother hanging out around my office building back in June, when they were about 3 months old, and I just couldn’t leave them to their fate, to starve or get run over by a car or whatever. So I scooped them up and took them home, thinking at the very least I’d find them a good home. We gave the male away (he’s now the king of the daycare where my son goes), but the little female tortoise shell, whom Émilie has named Lori, lives with us.

I wish I could say that she’s the kids’ cat, but as I’ve discovered, cats are very particular about whom they pick as THEIR human, and it seems that, as far as Lori is concerned, I’m IT. She follows me everywhere, gazes adoringly in my eyes and purrs up a storm when we’re chilling on the couch, stretches out seductively when I happen to walk by her and she’s having a snooze… As Kate-The-Enabler says, I have a familiar now, and it’s a good thing we don’t live in burning times anymore, heh.

Anyway, I thought it’d be funny to write a post about what I suspect goes through her mind between the hours of 8 PM and 5:30 AM.

8:00 PM:
“Hey! Are the kids gone yet? Can I come out from under your bed now? Well thank GOD for that! Phew! I mean, I know they’re your offspring and all, but do they have to, like, LIVE here??? And with the grabbing and wanting to pet me all the time??? Jeez! It’s a good thing that big one gives me milk every day, believe you me! So… Whatcha doing? Wanna pet me?”

8:25 PM
“Ooh! What have you got there? Is it yarn??? Wow, you’re like the best person EVER! There’s cat stuff EVERYWHERE in this house! Mmmm, so tasty too! Nom nom nom… What? What do you mean, the yarn outranks me? WTF???”

9:30 PM:
“I see you’re sitting down with the laptop! Would this be a good time for me to show you my butt? Come on, you know you wanna! Wait, don’t move the computer, I can stand on it just fine.”

10:30 PM:
“What are we doing? Are we going upstairs? OK, let’s go! *Sigh* I love watching you pee…”

10:45 PM:“Ah, that’s better. Nice and settled in my bed (which I’m only letting you sleep in out of the goodness of my heart, lest you forget) and ready for a good, long snooze. Are you comfortable? You’d bloody well better be, because I AM, and I’m not moving!”

1:30 AM:
“Are you done sleeping yet? I’m boooOOOOooooOOOOOored! Seriously, how long can you just lie unconscious like that? Me, I slept all day, I want to get my play on! Oh, did I wake you? I’m sorry! Let me purr for you, I know you like that. You could pet me, too. I said PET me, not just put your hand on my back! Come on, put some effort into it! Jeez! Fine, whatever, I’m outta here…. Lazy humans….”

4:50 AM
“OK, so the birds have started to chirp, can we get UP now??? Don’t pretend like you’re still asleep, I can tell you’re awake, your breathing pattern has changed! What, do you think you can just IGNORE me??? How ‘bout if I stick my nose in your ear and PUUURRRRRRRRR really loud? Can you ignore me now???? Hah! Didn’t think so. Hmmm, I kind of like your ears though. And what’s this? Earrings? Wow, those are SO much fun! Do they come off? Wait, let me try to get them off with my teeth…”

5:15 AM:“Still not up yet, eh? Come ON, it's almost daytime, what's a few more minutes in bed REALLY goingto do for you? Why are you turning over on your side like that? Do you really think that’s going to throw me off? I mean, it’s not like I can’t balance on the right side of your body or anything. CAT, remember? Balance and grace and agility and all that feline stuff. Are you awake yet?"

5:40 AM:

"Have I told you how much I like you? You’re great, and you SMELL so…. wait, you’re coming dangerously close to not smelling like me anymore! I think I’d better rub my face on yours about 78 times in a row, just to make sure. I mean, we BOTH know you tend to pick up stray cats when you’re out of the house. Am I right?”

6 AM:
“You’re getting up? Hmmm, I dunno, I’m kinda sleepy now, you know? Do you mind if I just hang out on your bed all day?”


Happy Knitting Everyone!